The last post I made on this blog was just before my trip to Italy in 2012. More than a year later I’ve finished another degree, learned a new language, had a relationship, visited Iran after a seventeen year hiatus, completed my weight lost goal, and last but totally not least I’m preparing for an irreversible surgery whose results completely depend on how well I treat my body. Something I have been in complete denial about.
I believe denial is the greatest sin one can commit against oneself, and I have been in layers of the defense mechanism far back as I can remember. Like an onion, I’ve peeled back the layers, each step making me a more genuine person. The further back someone has known me will only strengthen their declaration of how far I’ve come. It takes time to emerge from it, far longer than anyone can imagine.
Keep in mind that denial at the stages I am talking about require several enablers, and usually the aid of some life/mood altering substance – alcohol, drugs, porn, sex, food, MMORPGs such as World of Warcraft… My self-destructive habits are diverse as RuPaul’s wardrobe. I moved past abusing many of these things, some I have completely abstained from (MMORPGS). So being in control of my life and moving in a positive direction, it seemed I was ready to open myself up to someone new.
After years of avoiding relationships I allowed myself to enter one. The common denominator we shared was one of these substances I abused. We bonded over our common past, how we had left it behind, and the minute she returned to get reacquainted with that world our shared self’s fate was sealed. There was no genuine compromise, no adjustments were made, no hope.
The realization came only after I experienced a month of constant anxiety and alcohol abuse. I sought validation anywhere I could get it, anyone who would give it, anything to avoid dealing with the real issue, that I had become angry and resentful to the situation I had placed myself in. I ended the relationship and began my own the process of grief.
To be frank, losing someone isn’t new to me. It never gets easier. Whether it is the death of a person or death of relationship, the stages of grief are always the same. In the past I would enter a self-destructive state of denial, using one of the methods I mentioned above. This time I saw a silver lining that stopped me from completely submerging into the proverbial deep end, I believed myself when I would say, “this too shall pass.”
I haven’t treated myself well. I have been in denial of where my past has taken me. It has shaped who I am and what I will do with my life. I watched my mother die over 20 years while battling schizoaffective disorder. I have watched someone I love battle heroin and barely survive. I have lost 142lbs only because each step of the way someone thanked me for inspiring him or her… My compassion guides me. It is how I’ve survived this long. My career, my projected self, my life should reflect that.
So I’ll be fine. I’ll live. I’ll laugh love and do stupid shit again. Just not at the expense of something I have worked so hard to achieve. This surgery requires me to be mentally and physically prepared and I will be.
Oh, right, I should probably tell you what the surgery is. I went from 297lbs 45%+ body fat to 155lbs 10% body fat. Two years, a lot of sweat, and now a surgery to deal with the loose skin on December 17th. I’ll post before and after pictures so you can all see the results. Thanks for everyone who supported me through this.
if you want to learn about the five stages of grieving you should check out this post