“whatever will be, will be…”
I have spent most of my life catastrophizing; always scared of the future and regretting the past. It was not until my “quarter-palooza” (25th birthday) that I realized living in the moment is not a state of being, but the only time you are alive.
The future is fiction, and the past might as well be. It was not until this epiphany that I began to break my vicious cycle of extremes. It was not until that moment my depression and anxiety truly subsided. The binging on food, drinks, exercising, lying… the excess of “pleasure” slowly, but surely became more manageable. It was not that I stopped doing ‘things,’ I simply stopped going to extremes as often. I began to search for a balance in my life, and always try to “live in the moment.”
I am sure you are thinking “that’s nice Hoomy, I’m pretty sure I’ve read about this in some fortune cookie,” and that’s true, this is easily said and hardly ever done, but to give this scribble some substance…
(The picture above taken in spring 2010)
(Left – 225lbs, middle 210 lbs, right 187lbs 22% body fat)
(185lbs 21% Body fat)
The last picture just a few days ago. I have spent the past two years losing weight slowly as possible. This is a great accomplishment for me, but not in the way you might be thinking. The accomplishment was that I did not go to any extremes to lose the weight and my body rewarded me for it.
You see, I have been here before. The first time I was at this juncture I was 17 years old, I weighed 295 pounds, and lost 140 of it in six months. Such extreme weight loss caused my hair to thin and my skin to sag. My appetite came back with a vengeance and with my metabolism slowed to a snails pace I skyrocked back up to 270 pounds. At the age of 21, I lost 90 lbs in nine months. I lost an additional 20 when I was hospitalized with gall bladder disease and pancreatitis. I kept the weight off for a longer period, but by age 25 I was back to 275.
If you do the math that means I lost 250 pounds and gained 230 from the age of 17 to 25. So in reality, it took me 8 years to keep off 20 pounds.
In both these weight loss attempts I suffered immensely. I starved, exercised through injury, wore sweaters/sweats in 90 degree weather, and did aerobic exercises till my shins couldn’t take anymore. So what was different the third time around? I stopped ignoring my body. I fed my mind with food, information, and positive thoughts.
I focused on fixing my behaviors. I slept more, drank more water, and kept my hygiene up. I learned how my body responded to certain foods, I managed my portions, and I never starved myself. I learned to cook a little bit more and tried to eat in instead of eat out. These steps alone caused me to lose 50 lbs by the summer of 2011.
I know you are expecting me to tell you my entire regimen, how I lifted weights and worked my ass off. The truth is that while I did work my butt off to lose the weight my CORE problem was never the workouts. My problem was that I was a liar. I still am a liar, more or less, but I am much more honest than I was before. I would tell myself one day my agony would be worth it. I told myself whatever pain I endured would be returned in the form of pleasure, but I was lying to myself. In reality I could write a book on how to NOT lose weight the right way. I am just beginning to learn the proper form, but I leave that for another post.
Tomorrow is not promised. You only have today and with such precious time you can only make small incremental changes. If you are given the gift of another day, month, year, you MAY bare the fruits of your micro-labors, but only if you “work” on it day by day.
I suppose that’s the point of this blog…
I plan to keep track of what I do day by day to improve myself. I want to make a transformation as extreme as you see in those pictures, but for it to be done in such a subtle matter that it sneaks up on me as if I did nothing different. So covert will this transformation be that one day it will simply dawn on me that I am a completely different, a better person.
Welcome to my world.